Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
You Might Also Like
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Noah was an idiot.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Saturday
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit