[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole