There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
You Might Also Like
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.