Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
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Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
My plans: 2020:
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.