i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
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I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
pelicons
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.