7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
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the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.