Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”