You Might Also Like
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I created you as mosquito food.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.