The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
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I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence