The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
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My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”