Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
When I pack too much for a short trip.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.