Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
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I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you