Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
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Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
she has a point
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.