Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.