An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
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Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Oh. My. God.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.