The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
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*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not