Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
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You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?