Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
You Might Also Like
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Every photo I’m tagged in
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.