Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
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Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”