In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
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Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Is fructose made with real fruct?
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.