[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
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What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”