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MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
This meal prepping shit easy
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!