こいつ天才
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McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
how to have an accident 101
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not