[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
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My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
LOL!
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
gm
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people