In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
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Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Every haunted house movie:
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Vodka burrito was a success
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?