Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
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Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!