Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
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Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Things will get butter, keep churning
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
🙂🐾
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me