My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
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Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
🚲+physics = winner
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.