My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
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I need better friends
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
They’re called werewolves.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.