My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
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I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
😂😂
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.