must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
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What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
yes yes a thousand times yes!
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother