6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
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Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you