watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
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*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”