If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
You Might Also Like
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
you know being royal isn鈥檛 a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald鈥檚 drive thru that shit would go up in flames
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
saying you鈥檙e celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you鈥檝e been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven鈥檛 moved out.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I鈥檓 lying, are you going to ask the animal you don鈥檛 think i can talk to, sir?
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter