[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..