Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
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Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.