me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here