I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
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[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do