“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.