I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
You Might Also Like
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.