Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
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me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
If only.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools