Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Mad Max: Furry Road
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*