People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
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My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.