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In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]