Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
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Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
where do you see yourself in five years?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.