Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
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Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
A short story of betrayal:
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have