Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.