Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
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There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Twitter remains undefeated
Same post same
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.