I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
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“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
relationship goals
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )