I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
You Might Also Like
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
is this a threat
Rt to bother an English speaker
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️